Thursday 2 June 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

US announces war on reports which criticise war on drugs


The United States is to launch its latest war on a thing that is not a country by launching a war on reports which criticise the war on drugs.

The Global Commission on Drug Policy has found that the current war on widely-available, naturally-occurring products has failed, but White House drug tsar Gil Kerlikowske has rejected the report and identified its 24 pages as inanimate enemies of the state.

“These pieces of paper are evil,” Kerlikowske warned, “and they could contaminate our children with the ridiculous idea that what we are doing is very, very wrong.”

“Kids might even think that reading these reports is ‘cool’ and before long we could be faced with the terrifying prospect of seeing all our of our children reading.”

“And we could soon have the dreadful situation of intelligent debate spreading through our communities like wildfire, infecting every aspect of our daily lives.

War on things

The White House has proposed that this latest war on a thing begins by making possession of that thing a federal offence and distribution of the thing punishable by death, or even Guantanamo.

Former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan is critical, however, “They’ve been at war with naturally-occurring products for forty years now and their recent war on an idea hasn’t been too successful either.”

“So I don’t think starting a war on another idea which is printed on another naturally-occurring product is the way to go.”

“Their wars with countries make much more sense,” he added, “just like the war in Iraq.”

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