Thursday 2 June 2011 by Solanki and Mawhinney

UN passes resolution to use ‘all necessary measures’ to bring democracy to FIFA


The UN has stepped into the crisis at FIFA by backing a resolution to use ‘all necessary measures’ to bring democracy to the world governing body.

Security Council Resolution 1982 was passed with a 13-0 vote in favour with only two countries, Russia and Qatar, abstaining.

A spokesperson for the UN said, “This is about bringing free and open elections to FIFA. For too long it has been run as a one-party dictatorship with no real choice being offered to the voters. It is absolutely not about regime change.”

The chairman of the FA said, “It is absolutely about regime change. The problem is Sepp Blatter and until he’s gone there’s no hope of changing FIFA for the better.”

He issued these comments from the standard British UN position of hiding behind the US delegate while shaking his fist angrily.

UN FIFA intervention

Despite the announcement, it is not yet clear what form these UN measures will take, or when they are to begin.

However, it is expected that countries will soon escalate from their current policy of ‘being all nice to Mr. Blatter’s face hoping they’ll get what they want then saying nasty things behind his back when they don’t’.

There are two possibilities currently being discussed as to what the next steps are. One is to enforce a ‘no-fly privileges’ for FIFA executive members by revoking their gold membership status for all major international airlines.

The other is to insist on playing ‘You’ve got to pick a pocket or two’ from the musical Oliver! every time Sepp Blatter walks on stage.

A defiant Mr. Blatter promised to fight on and he released a statement that said, “Sure I’m the only person you can vote for, but if I didn’t stand again you’d have nobody to vote for and that’s not very democratic is it?”

Mr. Blatter insisted that nothing should be read into the fact he now wears full military uniform for all public appearances and that giant 100 metre high statues of him that have been erected around Zurich.

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