Thursday 2 June 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Purchasing Olympic tickets would make a great Olympic event, admits Sebastian Coe


After conceded that you were more likely to win the final of the 100m than secure a seat to watch it, Lord Coe has claimed that purchasing tickets to the Olympics would make a great Olympic event.

Coe suggested that forcing gullible punters to compete ever more vigorously for tickets could actually forces its way into the 2012 event schedule.

He told reporters outside the Houses of Parliament, “Clearly, having a situation where the most likely way to see yourself at the Olympics is to sacrifice the first 25 years of your life in pursuit of physical and professional excellence isn’t as far fetched as it seems.”

“I mean, the whole point of buying tickets to the Olympiad is to watch others undergo physical and mental torture in achieving their ultimate goals, and in the hope fulfilling their wildest dreams.”

“So watching your nearest and dearest undergo the same duress, for months on end, palpitating at the prospect of landing £20k worth tickets to the Fencing, delivers almost the very same experience.”

“Without the bit where you get the medal, or in this case, the tickets.”

Race you for them

Olympic spokesman Walter Palava said much consideration had been given to speeding up the process of emptying bank accounts before confirming which event ticket holders would be going to see.

“We were going to do it the other way round and tell people the event they were going to, but not the price.”

“But people aren’t that stupid.”

“They’d prefer to give us, two months in advance, the money for forty events they wouldn’t watch if it was on for free at their local park.”

Ticket applicant Mike Williams told us, “I hate the system, but they do have a point.”

“If they’d told me they were about to take £400 from my account for the tickets to the female weight-lifting, I guarantee that the speed at which I’d have cancelled my card would have left Usain Bolt in tears.”

“It’s just a pity they couldn’t just have been honest and said ‘Britain, we’ve done it this way because we don’t trust you as far as we could throw you’.”

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