Tuesday 31 May 2011 by Michael Marshall

Study shows endless speculation over the causes of cancer, causes cancer


In a revelation set to strike fear into the hearts of tabloid health journalists everywhere, a new study shows that wild and baseless speculation over the causes of cancer is one of the leading causes of cancer.

The Daily Mail’s Health editor spoke to us of his concern, saying, “This news is worse than we could have possibly feared.”

“Studies show that writing terrifying and headline-grabbing – yet 100% scientifically-unjustified – panic stories about what may potentially be carcinogenic is one of the primary sources of income and entertainment for health journalists today.”

“If I’ve got to choose between having to write scientifically-accurate, responsible articles on genuine health breakthroughs, or carry on jumping to wild conclusions as I do now and risk contracting a deadly disease, I’m just not sure which I’d choose.”

“Now, if you’d excuse me, I need to finish off this story about how eating too many carrots can make your balls drop off.”

Fear mongering causes profits

The study, the first of its kind to demonstrate a causal link between rampant cancer speculation and actually developing the disease, came after 4 years of research by a team from the University of Central Lancashire.

Simon Pendleton, press officer for the university, told us, “The study demonstrated that a chemical produced during non-specific agitation in mice coincided with a mildly increased risk of developing cancer.”

“Which is definitely the same as what we said in the title of the press release we put out.”

“The interpretations of the study you see in the news are entirely fair, honestly” he said, before adding, “I did mention we’re looking for potential donors at the moment, right? Good”.

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