Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has responded to speculation about his future by finally calling time on his seventeen-year quest to learn how to tackle.
The 36 year-old had been expected to sign a one-year contract extension in the hope of finally perfecting the art of removing a football from the possession of another player without kicking them in the groin.
However, it seems he has finally admitted defeat and decided to hang up his boots before they become accidentally embedded in the chest of one of his opponents.
Scholes told reporters, “It wasn’t an easy decision, but one I came to with the help of my family, and the support of Manchester United. We agreed that if, at thirty-six years of age, I haven’t found a way of safely tackling my opponents, then I probably never will.”
“I think back with fondness to the 19 year-old who made his debut, confident that ‘tackling’ was something that would come with experience. Oh how little I knew.”
Scholes to spend more time out of the sun
Manchester United fans have reacted with sadness at the news, claiming that the Paul Scholes cameo has been a highlight at Old Trafford over the last few years.
“It was always terribly exciting, wondering when exactly he’d scythe down an opponent before springing to his feet to point at a ball that definitely hadn’t changed direction in the slightest.”
“The ‘needless Paul Scholes booking’ has become as much a part of Manchester United folklore as Ferguson’s time-keeping and referee intimidation.”
“He’ll be sorely missed.”