Tuesday 31 May 2011 by @JohnnyBeelzebub

Miliband marriage proves weddings can still be tedious


Ed Miliband’s wedding has finally made people reconsider the ridiculous notion that every high-profile marriage ceremony is the sort of event you wish you’d been invited to.

The Labour leader tied the knot with long-term partner Justine Thornton in a low-key civil ceremony on Friday which did not take place in a 16th century gothic church and was not attended by kings and queens, or celebrities of any description.

“When Ed told me the ceremony was taking place in a hotel, I knew not to expect too much,” guest Helen Walters admitted.

“But when he failed to turn up to a fanfare in a horse-drawn carriage made of gold, I still died a little inside.”

Hammer blow

Guest were dealt a further blow after arriving at the reception, only to discover it was not to be held in Buckingham Palace.

“That’s when we all started to get a little annoyed,” friend Alison Meyers revealed.

“We all just thought ‘OK Ed, you’ve made your point. You don’t need to hammer it home quite so hard, do you?’ What a fucking arsehole.”

“I mean – poor Justine! No kingdom, no crown, not even a castle.” she added.

“She must really actually love him or something.”

The pair are currently on a five-day honeymoon at a secret location and – in a twist which many find most depressing – the media seem perfectly happy to leave them in peace.”

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