Friday 27 May 2011

Why are all our children getting measles, ask Homeopathy fans


Measles on the rise again

Child measles cases in the UK have risen tenfold, especially among families led by morons who think that crystals are magic and that sugar pills can cure AIDS.

With MMR vaccinations dropping well below the 95% needed to prevent outbreaks spreading in the community, people who don’t believe in ‘that science stuff’ have been urged not to try and kill their baby.

A Health Protection Agency spokesperson explained, “We set our target at 95%, because there are always going to 5% who are the sorts of imbeciles that bark at passing cars and point at the sky when a plane goes overhead.”

“Teaching them about modern medicine techniques is like trying to teach a dog how to do long division.  It’s best we just write-off their children, they won’t be contributing much to the gene pool anyway.”

“But then there are the whack-jobs who would prefer to seek their medical protection and treatment from someone who runs a website selling sugar pills to poor African people.”

“For some reason, they’re struggling to get their heads around the concept that not adopting modern medicinal treatments leads to lots and lots of sick babies.  It’s a bit of leap, but we’re hoping they’ll get there eventually.”

Measles on the rise

Deidre Matthews, a mother of three children suffering from Measles told us, “I don’t get it. They’ll all been taking the homeopathic remedy for weeks, with little improvement.”

“The healing crystals have barely left their skin and I’ve paid a small fortune in Reiki treatments for them – but they’re all still sick. I just don’t get it.”

The HPA had the last word, telling negligent parents, “If we could take your kids from you, we would, but how about you just get them seen by a proper doctor and stop dicking around with the sort of witchcraft that is threatening the safety of every child your family comes into contact with – deal?”

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