Friday 27 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Man United switch tactical emphasis to pissing into the wind


Manchester United players have been asked to prepare for Saturday’s final by repeatedly urinating into the wind, according to sources.

Manager Sir Alex Ferguson was criticised for a lack of tactical planning during his team’s previous 2-0 defeat to Barcelona, when his ineffectual side pissed against the wind for a full ninety minutes without success.

By training his players to relax their bladders and unleash a torrent of steamy hot piss into a Force 8 north-westerly gale, the Scot believes his squad will be fully prepared to cope with the scenario of walking off at half-time trailing 4-0 with a chorus of boos ringing in their ears.

The defeat two years ago has been analyzed many times and among the many problems identified was Barcelona’s slick passing game and Manchester United not being as good at it.

Ferguson said, “We didn’t prepare by pissing into the wind on that occasion, and it cost us dearly.”

90 minutes of pissing

Part of the process has involved the players watching DVDs of previous games at their Carrington training ground, as Ferguson and his coaches moved to ensure that United cannot use a lack of pissing into the wind as an excuse for defeat on Saturday.

The players, meanwhile, have been keen to adopt the tactics so much so that areas of the club’s training ground have become heavily waterlogged with three groundsmen offering their resignations.

Should United find themselves chasing the game, a switch to 3-4-3 formation is likely but this is also likely to leave United players expelling urine against an unfavourable pressure gradient.

Ferguson continued, “We practised it in training by having Carrick in a holding role in front of the two central defenders and asking him to down two litres of Diet Coke without going to the toilet.”

“Sure, no sooner had he unfurled his member, he was drenched from head to foot in the yellow stuff.”

“We’re ready. Definitely.”

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