Friday 27 May 2011

Sir Alex Ferguson to force all journalists to sign sycophancy pledge


Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is to force all journalists to begin their press conference questions with a statement about how all of Manchester United’s employees are exemplary human beings.

With further press conferences to be held today ahead of the Champion’s League final, all reporters will be strictly vetted to ensure their pro-United facade is on show at all times.

A club spokesperson said, “We don’t want another situation like on Wednesday when Sir Alex mistook a question about Ryan Giggs’ European experience to be an accusation that everyone at the club is a total shit.”

“Sir Alex then saw fit to order the reporter’s execution, and it was ages before everyone calmed down again.”

“This new protocol will make it much easier for everyone concerned to relax around the manager, and hopefully prevent any further embarrassing on-mic outbursts.”

Manchester United’s Sycophancy pledge

The new rules are likely to extend the length of United’s press conferences, as journalists seek new and ever-more verbose ways of telling Sir Alex how brilliant he and his club actually are.

Independent football writer Mike Smith told us, “I’ve been practising, how does this sound? Ahem, first of all Sir Alex, I’d like to state for the record that I find all of Manchester United’s players to be the very personification of professionalism, so, how do you stop Lionel Messi?”

Another asked us, “I need a word that basically tells the manager he looks very handsome today, but doesn’t make me sound gay – do you know one?”

Meanwhile, United’s backroom staff are busy preparing their ‘media intrusion made us lose’ excuses for Sunday’s sports pages.

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