Thursday 26 May 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

Cheryl Cole banished for speaking in tongues


Cheryl Cole has been banished from a far away land to return to the void from whence she came for uttering unintelligible sounds that have been identified as witchcraft.

The pious yet simple Christian folk of the New World have told tales of a hitherto unknown siren who appeared to conjure herself from thin air less than one moon ago, bringing devilish temptations of the flesh and unrecognisable, guttural sounds that were an undoubted attempt to summon evil spirits from the underworld.

“They were the very sounds of Satan himself,” an eyewitness explained, “and if you don’t believe that then you might as well renounce your own faith in the Lord.”

“The opening of her mouth was preceded by a clap of thunder and the rising of the winds, and what followed was not for the ears of any soul of our world.”

Satanic

“Some people have compared it to the Parseltongue of the serpent speakers,” he continued, “but nay, it was more was like something out of The Exorcist, if you ask me.”

“I tell you, she was not one minute from making a full turn of her head and bringing forth the green bile of Hades and infecting us all with her sorcery.”

Village elders had thought to hunt the witch with pitchforks and burn her at the stake on the night of the new moon but wiser men decided upon a greater punishment.

“She has been sent in exile to her coven across the seas, and hopefully into the clutches of her ex-husband.”

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