Thursday 26 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Adele’s ‘heartache’ as album receipts routinely wasted on NHS


Piles of cash generated by Adele’s album sales have been routinely squandered on NHS patient care, it emerged last night.

The outraged singer said she wanted to ‘buy a gun and randomly open fire’ upon seeing that fifty percent of her wages was blown on NHS waste such as so-called essential heart bypass ‘surgery’ and life-saving cancer ‘treatments’.

Adele’s remarks are likely to reignite a debate started some years ago by singer Phil Collins over whether the vast sums of money earned by top-selling artists should be spent needlessly on the sick and dying.

“See that old fucker strapped to a heart monitor. He’s probably never even bought one of my albums,” she told us.

With the NHS forced to make £20 billion worth of savings, the government last night refused to deny that tax revenues generated by the blues-infused ballad ‘Someone Like You’ would be used to save the life of heart disease victim Tommy Langhan, 52, a filthy smoker.

We’re wasting Adele’s money

Adele’s anger was further stoked after a leaked memo revealed that sales from follow-up album “21”, which explores how men are basically shits, will fund extravagances such as the occasional glass of drinking water and a mattress.

The singer is said to have broken down in tears on learning that most Friday night A&E admissions are as a result of someone in a violent relationship with a bloke called Duane, who has been drinking gin while listening to one of her albums unattended.

Meanwhile grateful Adele fan, Emily Stetton, 42, currently under observation at Plymouth General, claims Adele’s meisterwerk “19”’ helped pay for her to have her stomach pumped after a big night out in Plymouth City centre.

“I want to thank Adele. There’s something to be said for listening to a heartbreaking song like ‘Rolling In The Deep’ whilst lying in your own faeces.”

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