Wednesday 25 May 2011

‘Blown up like balloon’ to be the new ‘slipped on shampoo bottle’


Being ‘blown up like a football’ by a compressed air nozzle is set to replace ‘slipped on a shampoo bottle’ as the new excuse du jour for discerning perverts, according to A&E staff across the country.

An New Zealand lorry driver survived after accidentally impaling himself on the hose between his cab and trailer of his truck, leading to world-wide concern for his safety and rapt attention from sexual deviants everywhere.

Pervert Mike Williams told us, “I sat there reading it and I couldn’t help thinking ‘that’s terrible’, ‘I hope he’s ok’, and ‘I wonder where I can get some compressed air’.”

“It’s not often you can stumble onto something quite to exciting.  It’s normally a vegetable, a household implement, or Dave at number 26.”

“But being blown up like a balloon sounds just so deliciously harrowing, doesn’t it?”

Like a balloon

Haulage firms have issued warnings that compressed air is dangerous, and have pleaded with the pervert community to stop jumping on their cabs at every set of traffic lights.

Driver Simon Matthews told us, “It’s a bit like that time I took my Mondeo through Whipsnade safari park.  Except it’s not monkeys and windscreen wipers, it’s pervert and air hoses.”

“A lot of the time they don’t even wait for me to stop, they just jump on board from chasing cars and bikes – it’s like Fast and the Furious out there.”

Mike Williams concluded, “It’s a fad, and I’m sure it’ll pass just as soon as someone else makes International news after accidentally putting something unusual up their arse.”

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