Tuesday 24 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Further Strauss-Kahn ‘special’ eruptions set to dwarf Grimsvotn


A series of further DNA eruptions from human jism volcano Dominique Strauss-Kahn may put Iceland’s Grimsvotn in the shade, experts warned last night.

Scientists have warned the public after toxic spunk belonging to the former IMF chief was found on a hotel maid’s dress more than a hundred kilometres away.

And experts monitoring the Strauss-Kahn groin area have detected ominous trembles suggesting a build up of milky magma in the Cowper’s gland region which could have unfortunate consequences for the whole of mankind.

Computer projections mean that spunkonologists are unable to rule out a repeat of the eruption in 1987 which devastated a ski resort near Val D’Isere after a waitress bent over in the proximity of Strauss-Kahn to pick up the remnants of a Black Forest Gateaux.

Further Strauss-Kahn eruptions

Experts say the material produced this time is likely to be in the form of large whitish globules which could directly interact with jet engines and which taste a bit of salty marshmallows.

Jeff Snelson, a seismologist by trade who has been observing Strauss-Kahn’s trouser region closely said, “The globules, which contain vital reserves of potassium and carbohydrates, are likely to coalesce into a dense cloud which could hang around for several days.”

“Prevailing weather patterns and a brisk north-westerly wind could mean that Western Scotland gets it right in the face. Oh yeah.”

“Make no mistake, if this baby blows we could see a whole swathe of European airspace closed down with thousands of stranded commuters complaining about a funny smell.”

“The best thing to do in this situation is to consult with your travel agent and attempt to wipe up any deposits with some Kleenex. We would also advise the public to open a window or two – just to let some air in.”

Last night, Snelson sought to play down accusations of scaremongering, insisting, “Aside from having the ability to cause you and your aircraft to plummet towards the ground at breakneck speed, it’s actually quite good for you.”

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