Monday 23 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Rikers prison bulls insist next IMF boss should be blond


Following the release of Dominique Strauss-Kahn on bail, psychotic prison bulls with an abnormally high sex drive have insisted the next IMF chief to wind up there on a rape charge should have shoulder length blond hair.

Inmates at the notorious Rikers penitentiary have gone on record to say that the outgoing IMF boss Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s hair is too gray and that he lacks the acute muscle definition necessary for such a high-powered role.

They also blamed the tough conditions at the New York jail for the abrupt decline in Strauss-Kahn’s sex drive since his arrival, claiming the former IMF boss returned none of the kisses which were blown to him from prisoners in nearby cells.

However, in a concession to inmates, prison governors signalled an increase in shower time from thirty minutes to an hour to allow the former IMF chief to strike up some kind of rapport with his fellow cons, after reports he had been jealously guarding the standard issue bar of soap.

Leading voices in the prison say a blond European should head the IMF given the recent bail-outs and the perilous state of the Euro.

Lenny DeVito, a Grade One Bull serving a 20-year stretch for double homicide, said, “Ideally blond, with a sound knowledge of the fundamentals of macroeconomic theory and not so goddamn heavy on the soap.”

New IMF boss

But Danny Sanchos, a 240lb heavy-hitter from the Bronx up on three counts of male rape begged to differ.

“Sure, blond would be cool but hair colour ain’t so important. The IMF should reflect the growing power of emerging economies – so how ‘bout a cute Brazilian guy who don’t squeal so much when I punch him in the fuckin’ kidneys.”

Strauss-Kahn last night told us he thought he had landed a cushy job in the prison library, helping fellow inmates learn to read but realised his fortunes had changed when Sanchos returned a book about fisting which was three months overdue.

On that occasion Sanchos managed to avoid a fine.

Meanwhile EC president Jose Manuel Barroso indicated that Wolfgang Schauble, the fair-haired German Minister for Finance was a leading candidate for the role.

Barroso said, “Schauble has an excellent economic pedigree and one of the sweetest assholes you ever clapped eyes on.”

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