Monday 23 May 2011

Morons still here


Everyone is coming to terms with the fact that there are still thousands and thousands of morons walking amongst us, after they weren’t magically spirited into Heaven just because an old lunatic assured them they would be.

The ‘rapture’ – as the Church’s PR team called it – was due to begin on Saturday, but instead thousands of previously smug Christians have been left with no choice but to go cap in hand to ask for their old jobs back.

89 year-old Harold Camping has not been seen since the 21st, leading to suggestions that he is hiding in a shed somewhere hoping to convince at least a few morons that he was the only person ‘raptured’.

Rapture enthusiast Mike Jones told us, “I was all set. I’d quit my job, sold the house, given lots of money to that guy who said the rapture was coming – but I’m still here? I don’t understand it.”

“What mysterious set of circumstances could have possibly occurred to have left me here on earth when I should have been ‘raptured’ just before Doctor Who on Saturday?”

The Rapture came and went

Critics of Harold Camping have suggested that the 89 year-old might actually be a bona-fide criminal genius.

“Think about it, he got thousands and thousands of people to believe they were going to Heaven on Saturday – but not until they’d paid for the privilege. That’s really quite impressive, no?”

“He could have walked them all of a cliff though, that would have been a much tidier end to it all.  As it is, we’re now left waiting for the hilarious explanation that they’re bound to offer in the coming days.”

“I’m offering 5-1 on that it’ll be deemed a ‘test of faith’.  That’s pretty much the stock answer when these ridiculous predictions don’t come true.”

“And also 10,000-1 against that they all come out and admit they were completely taken in by elaborate tales of a telepathic magic man in the sky who grants wishes, but that they’re all completely over it now.”

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