Friday 20 May 2011 by Will Blake

Irish PM to apologise to Queen for Westlife


The Irish Prime Minister will today formally apologise to the Queen for his country’s involvement in the pop band Westlife.

As the Queen’s historic visit continues around Ireland, the Irish government will apologise for their part in a dark chapter of Anglo-Irish history.

A government spokesman said, “Westlife almost single-handedly ruined the music charts in Britain. Their songs were derivative, soporific and leeched all sense of self-worth from the UK music industry.”

“As part of the Queen’s historic visit, we in Ireland must hold our hands up and say: Westlife were shit. Sorry.”

Professor of Anglo-Irish Relations, Pat Green, told reporters, “This is only fair. The British exported Irish grain during the potato famine, expropriated land, persecuted Catholics and murdered nationalists but let’s get things in perspective – what Westlife did was far  worse.”

“Have you heard their third album? It’s fucking awful.”

Ireland apologises to the Queen

The rise of Irish boy bands started with Boyzone and it is expected that Enda Kenny, the Irish PM, will make the apology at the site where music mogul Louis Walsh signed Ronan Keating and the rest of the band in 1993.

“It is right the Irish should take responsibility,” says music critic, Steve Tong.

“Once Boyzone entered the bloodstream, the morbid growth that is Westlife was inevitable.”

Others, however, believe an admission of guilt is not necessary.

Republican Seamus O’Callaghan said, “The Irish should not have to say sorry for what their boy bands did in the nineties and early noughties. People’s moral values have changed. Flying Without Wings simply couldn’t happen today.”

Despite the optimism surrounding the announcement, one Westlife victim struck a note of caution, “You can still find their CDs in charity shops. The scars will take a long time to heal.”

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