Wednesday 18 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Olympic torch route to include prominent UK shitholes


The Olympic torch route to be announced later today is set to include some of the UK’s most fearsome rat-infested “toilets”.

The epic voyage will kick off near Lands End with the first runner making repeated circuits of a potholed car park near the area’s Visitor Centre, leaping over the litter and discarded prophylactics.

The torch will then make its way towards Exeter where it will stop off at a rescue centre for victims of illegitimate inter-familial relations.

During the 70-day torch relay, it is expected to pass through a number of crime hotspots such as Bristol, Cardiff, Liverpool, Belfast, Glasgow, Aberdeen, Newcastle, but will avoid Manchester due to the heavy odour of smugness, and the strong likelihood that the flame will be put out by the weather.

A search for 8,000 “inspirational torchbearers” will begin at 1100 BST, and will include anyone who has struggled to hold down a job this last year without succumbing to the urge to shoot their boss in the face at close range before turning the gun on themselves in some kind of dramatic standoff with the police.

Olympic Torch

Organisers said the route would also include visits to inhospitable areas such as Guernsey, Jersey, Shetland, Orkney and the Isle of Man, where the torch will be used in a ritual sacrifice-cum-exorcism of a 16 year-old boy accused of homosexuality.

Sebastian Coe, chairman of Organising Committee LOCOQ, said, “The Olympic Flame will shine a light right across every region of the UK, and showcase the triumph of the human spirit over electronic tagging and a dusk-till-dawn police curfews.”

Hugh Robertson, minister for sport and the Olympics, said the relay would “bring London 2012 to the doorsteps of the UK, giving everybody the chance to witness some local busybody given the chance to show just how important they think they are.”

Robertson added, “On the plus side, I can confirm that Bracknell is definitely not on the tour, despite being officially recognised as a shithole in 1972.”

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