Monday 16 May 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

West Ham fans welcome Swiss assisted suicide verdict


Following their clubs relegation from the Premier League, West Ham fans have welcomed Switzerland’s vote in favour of continuing to offer assisted suicide for foreigners.

78% of Swiss voters opposed a ban that would prohibit foreigners from being aided in taking their own life, leaving the door open to despondent Hammers fans unable to face the prospect of playing in a half empty stadium against teams like Brighton.

Lifelong West Ham fan Charles Tramp praised the Swiss for giving his clubs supporters back some of the hope Avram Grant had eradicated during his ill-fated reign as manager.

He told reporters, “I suppose its of some consolation that you could classify a swift trip to Dignitas as being a European campaign of some sort – it’s a tough away fixture in which very few get a positive result.”

“In many ways, supporting the Hammers next season will be just like an assisted suicide – your loved ones will try and talk you out of it, everyone around you will be sad, and you’re basically just giving a lot of money to business people who made their fortune in a way that disgusts most of the planet.”

West Ham fans to be euthanised

West Ham owners and purveyors of low-quality smut David Sullivan and David Gold told reporters that the future looked bright.

Chairman David Sullivan stood on a box to tell us, “The fans are disappointed, sure, but ‘going down’ in our line of work is very much seen as a positive.”

“We’re already planning a new range of commemorative dildos, and the board is confident the claret and blue ‘Anal Relegator’ will be a big hit with the fans.”

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