Friday 13 May 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Nike wondering if maybe Tiger Woods should return to philandering


Sports giant Nike has suggested that former world number one, Tiger Woods, might want to consider a return to the philandering ways that were central to his 14 major title successes.

The sportswear giants say a decline in his overall golfing performance coupled with a stiffening of his moral resolve, have seen an unacceptably sharp decrease in the amount of publicity being garnered from their prized asset.

A spokesman for the company said the lack of recent tournament wins had left them even more desperate for Woods to relapse into the relentless pursuit of people infinitely more ugly than his ex-wife than he had ever been.

Nike’s head of talent Mitch Goldberg told a specially convened press conference, “Its all well and good when you are on the back pages picking up trophy after trophy with all those flashbulbs going off with Nike emblazoned everywhere.”

“But when you stop picking up those trophies, you better make sure you have a back-up plan to ensure you keep up those headlines.”

“Like ugly chicks. Lots and lots of ugly chicks.”

Tiger urged to philander

Goldberg continued, “It’s just a shame for all concerned that Tiger deployed his back-up plan a little earlier than we would have liked.”

“We now want a return to the glory days of Tiger rutting anything in possession of a molecular structure.”

“It didn’t do another one of our clients, Wayne Rooney, any harm did it?”

Goldberg went on to outline further potential revenue streams that could strengthen the partnership with Woods when he finally puts his driver away.

“You know, when his career finally peters out, I’m sure there’s plenty of room for him in the adult entertainment industry.”

“I’m sure you can imagine exactly where we would be placing our iconic ticks.”

“Ah, I can see it now.”

“No Tiger, you can’t f*** this one.” T-Shirt

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