Tuesday 10 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Spaghetti at Jamie Oliver restaurant not ‘al dente’, claims family of E Coli


A family of E Coli bacteria from Guildford have been left fuming after a night out at a Jamie Oliver restaurant in the town was found wanting.

The couple Martin and Jennifer, who rent a Petri dish in Central Guildford, were out celebrating their millionth daughter Sophie’s eighteenth birthday and decided to choose Jamie’s restaurant after it had been recommended to them by other potentially-fatal bacteria.

Martin said, “Our friends the Noroviruses from Number 11 said they had a great night out at Jamie’s and suggested we try the Shellfish Linguini.”

“I was looking forward to a funky atmosphere and some pukka nosh.”

“We were told we didn’t need to book a table, depending on how many of us there were. The trouble is you can never tell. We might start out as three but by the end of the night we could be six, twelve, twenty-four or more than a hundred.”

Jamie Oliver’s Kitchen Bacteria

Martin continued, “When we arrived the place was swarming with other bacteria so we had to queue for almost thirty minutes. Of course, by that point I had already replicated several times.”

“Eventually we were shown to our table which thankfully was utterly filthy and near the toilet area.”

Unluckily for Martin though, things were about to take a turn for the worse.

“Anyway, the pasta arrived. For pasta to be ‘al dente’ it should be cooked for no longer than eight minutes. Any fat tongued moron knows that,” he continued continued.

“This had been cooked for something like twelve and I’m afraid to say it significantly impacted our dining experience. I sent mine back.”

“To top it all they served my wife with Spaghetti Al Putanesca, also not ‘al dente’. My wife’s a vegetarian – that’s got anchovies in it.”

“Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all bad. On the table next to ours was a family of Streptococcus who had ordered some badly undercooked meat which had been locally sourced. They were throwing up everywhere which I thought was a nice touch.”

Martin’s night was soured further, however, when a member of staff attempted to wipe his table with a wet cloth resulting in the deaths of several thousand of his children.

He added, “I thought – are we supposed to take the hint here or something?”

“Needless to say – I didn’t leave a tip.”

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