The Prime Minister could not contain his fury today after four members of FIFA accused the former chairman of England’s World Cup bid of stubbornly neglecting to offer filthy wads of cash for their votes.
After tearfully confessing to the claims, Labour peer Lord Triesman was viciously criticised in the House of Commons for having the absurd notion that morality has any place when dealing with football’s governing body.
“What an ignorant fucktard,” the Prime Minister told the House. “You can tell he’s not a Tory.”
“I mean, not only did we have the future king of England in on this bid but we even managed to get the darling of English football on top of that, and this ponce puts it all to waste with his ‘principles’.”
“Lord Triesman is a damn sight older than me so he should be well aware that bribery is actually one of the principles our country is founded upon.” Cameron continued.
“Just look at our government. I lured Nick Clegg into a coalition with the promise of a share in policy making and what’s more – I haven’t even allowed that cheque to clear.”
Cameron has promised a review of the bidding process and it is expected that Chancellor George Osborne will announce either a new tax or cuts to the NHS to fund future payments to FIFA.