Monday 9 May 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

Professor Brian Cox attempts to explain Chelsea’s tiny title chances


Pop star physicist Brian Cox has made a short documentary in which he tries to demonstrate to football fans the infinitesimal probability of Chelsea winning the Premier League.

After their defeat by Manchester United, many people recognise that the London club still have a mathematical chance of regaining their title and have now turned to the one man capable of explaining such remote possibility in terms that football fans may be able to understand.

The professor begins the documentary in typical fashion, saying, “Just think of all the sand on all the beaches all over the world.”

“Then consider the possibility that just one of those billions of trillions of grains is flown around the world on the wings of a duck-billed platypus.”

“And imagine that tiny bit of sand falling from the feathers of that platypus and landing in the vagina of a virgin – a virgin in Sunderland – and for that grain to go on to impregnate her with the second coming of the baby Jesus,” Cox continues.

Billions and billions

“Then think of the chances that billions and billions of people across the globe will believe all that bollocks to be fact and worship that child for two thousand years as the Son of God.”

“Well that’s a bit like the chance of Chelsea winning the title,” he concluded.

“Or of Fernando Torres scoring again before the end of the season.”

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