Monday 9 May 2011 By @JohnnyBeelzebub

Pakistani military to mark unfortunate passing of ‘quiet neighbour’


Seven days after the death of Osama bin Laden, officers of the Pakistani military are to hold a service of remembrance for the ‘quiet man from up the road who was great with kids’.

The deceased Al Qaeda leader lived just a few yards from a military academy at Abbottabad and today its cadets and soldiers will mark one week since his unfortunate passing with a gathering to mourn his death and celebrate his life and achievements.

“It’s just going to be a small service,” the academy’s Commandant Mazhar Jamil explained.

“I knew Osama very well and I know that he wouldn’t have wanted anything big or ostentatious because he just wasn’t that kind of a guy.”

“In fact, he was so shy and silent that most of the time you wouldn’t even know he was there. As quiet as a mosque mouse, he was.”

Sweet voice

“OK, there may have been a few occasions when his plotting was a bit on the loud side,” Jamil continued.

“And he did have a habit of shouting ‘Death to America’ at the top of his lungs too but he would say it in such a sweet voice that nobody really minded.”

“In fact, you could even say that it was music to our ears.”

The service is expected to be reserved and tasteful, ending with the burning of an effigy of Barack Obama draped in the stars and stripes while the military band play a sombre rendition of the Green Day classic ‘American Idiot’.

“It’s just a shame that none of his brothers or sisters could make it,” the commandant added.

“But unfortunately, they are all tied up due to a previous engagement with the Bush family.”

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