Thursday 5 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Bin Laden cadaver to receive ‘respectful’ Gok Wan makeover, says White House


Conceding that it faces an uphill battle in its bid to release respectful images of the remnants of Osama Bin Laden, the White House has drafted in fashion guru Gok Wan to smooth the process along.

In what is surely new ground for the camp fashion guru, the results will be broadcast to the world next week in a half hour TV show under the provisional title of “How To Look Good After Coming Under Sustained Attack From a Number of High-Powered Assault Rifles”.

The White House PR Department first realised it had a problem with the posthumous images of Bin Laden when several of them were tested on Donald Rumsfeld, who wept uncontrollably and vomited up his own special take on a Vegetarian Cannelloni.

And housewives’ favourite Gok admitted last night that he faced his most stern challenge yet in restoring the heavily-wounded corpse to its former glory .

“Honestly when he came in here he looked like something the dog had brought in from the garden, all charred elbow and fragments of skull,” said Wan.

“What this cadaver needed was to get its self-respect back.”

“You had this dowdy old shroud that looked like something out of the Victorian era and I’m afraid it clashed terribly with those gaping head wounds. That’s an absolute fashion no-no girlfriend,” continued Wan, vibrantly clicking his fingers.

Gok Wan to make over Bin Laden

Wan strove to revive Osama’s deathly pallor and thereby assuage the inevitable terrorist backlash in which thousands will perish in a terrible lake of fire by introducing some vibrant spring colours, a move described by one fashion pundit as “radical”.

“Yellows and oranges are what it’s all about this season sweetheart,” the flamboyant star told us.

“I’m making the obscene look serene and putting brain matter where it can flatter.”

The White House believes the final images of the freedom-hating former Al Qaeda heartthrob looking his best in a sunflower-toned sash and beret combo are a dead cert to placate would-be terrorists and those who resent Western advances in fashion and cosmetics, but remain nonetheless curious.

Meanwhile, a cautious President Obama said, “The Osama Bin Laden makeover represents a fundamental break with Gok’s fashion work to-date and is, I can safely say, the first time a deceased terrorist fanatic has been ‘gokked’.”

“He looks really really peaceful, although I think the sequins are a touch OTT.”

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