Tuesday 3 May 2011 by @JohnnyBeelzebub

US celebrates assassination of royal wedding coverage


There were scenes of wild jubilation across the US yesterday after President Barack Obama confirmed that special forces had finally put an end to the coverage of the royal wedding.

Euphoric scenes were witnessed in major cities including Washington and New York, where thousands of people flooded the streets to share with the world their joy and relief at the momentous and long-awaited news.

“These are tears of joy,” one triumphant New Yorker, Eric Daniels, told reporters. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.”

“No longer will we have to fear turning on the TV to see a horrific news item about Kate Middleton’s fairytale coming true, or crowds of moronic Brits gathering at Westminster to pay homage to her wedding bouquet.”

“So I salute our heroes for their accomplishment,” Mr Daniels added, “and for bringing us the closure that we all have been praying for.”

Royal Wedding coverage killed in action

“I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news,” said another American, Carl Brookes.

“I’d just woken up from my recurring nightmare about Prince William returning from his honeymoon to make an appearance on Oprah, jumping up and down on the sofa, telling the world just how much he loves Katie Middleton.”

“But now I, and every other citizen of this great country, can sleep easy knowing that the threat of both Oprah and the royal wedding have been removed from our homes forever.”

Amid the chaotic scenes there were a few sober voices from people worrying about what may fill the void left by the coverage, and others who went as far as to suggest that it could even rear its ugly head once again.

In other news, a man named Osama bin Laden was also assassinated by US Special Forces in North-West Pakistan at approximately the same time.

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