Tuesday 3 May 2011 by Gary Stanton

Pippa Middleton’s arse takes important step towards ‘bootyfication’


Pippa Middleton’s tight arse took a major step towards bootyfication last night as news emerged of a miraculous cure for erectile dysfunction in a 53 year-old man from Stoke on Trent.

The alleged miracle took place at a semi-detached house in the Longton area of the town while 24 million people watched a BBC camera crew homing in on Middleton’s pert fundament during the hymn Bread of Heaven.

Frank Wilson, the delighted recipient of the cure, first noticed a stirring down below when Pippa’s shapely curves came into view as she entered the church, flanked by a fully-tumescent Prince Harry.

Wilson asserts that he has been functionally impotent since a broadband wank marathon in the autumn of 2004 went awry.

But the claims are disputed by his wife Erica who maintains that Wilson achieved a ‘semi’ during the third round Wimbledon clash between Maria Sharapova and Kim Clijsters in 2008.

Mrs Wilson says her husband’s half-interested member swayed “cobra-like” as Ms Sharapova ordered extra water during a time-out.

Pippa Middleton’s arse bootified

If the claims can be verified, Middleton’s buttocks will be officially recognised as “blessed”, a status hitherto achieved only by Beyonce after her legendary butt-tremble was declared as ‘nothing shot of miraculous’ by three men watching MTV in a bar in Yeovil.

Scholars have also suggested that Middleton’s fullsome rump may have retrospectively helped speed the fall of communism in Eastern Europe by reclaiming the impulse of hope which had faltered before Marxism and the pernicious ideology that everyone should have a fair crack of the whip and get paid a living wage for the work they do.

Experts have insisted that for Middleton’s arse to achieve full sainthood would require a second miracle.

Yet last night a further miracle appeared to be at hand after none other than Prince Edward was alleged to have ogled her rear from two rows back.

Witnesses claim The Earl of Wessex curled one forearm under the other and, with a clenched fist, shouted “Cor blimey – you could park a bike in that!”

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