Friday 29 April 2011

Royal Wedding Live


Today is the day when the nation goes batshit crazy for the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, and we’re here to bring you the very latest up to the minute coverage.

The wedding is due at 11am , but the build-up is bound to be riveting, and we will bring you updates from the route to Westminster Abbey, and immediate reaction from people in the crowd and around the world.

The latest news will appear at the top, so if you want to start at the beginning, you’ll need to go to the end.  Yes, we know how that sounds.

You can send us a Twitter message or leave a comment on our Facebook page and we might even include it.  Maybe.

13:29 – The crowd begins chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss!” and the royal couple duly oblige.  The crowd immediately starts chanting “hand job, hand job, hand job!” – this could get interesting…

13:15 – The festivities can start now, as Tara Palmer-Tomkinson has been to the loo to put on her party nose.

12:27 – Finally out of view of the cameras, William cops a quick feel.  Kate assures him that a ‘quickie’ is most certainly out of the question.

12:10 – Before the go into the coach, Harry asked William if he could put in a good word with the sister.  He seems to fancy his chances there, does our Harry.

11:46 – There is an audible sigh of relief in the celebrity area, as Jerusalem begins and Victoria Beckham decides to mime.

11:34 Nick Clegg is rocking backwards and forwards at quite a rate now, our guess is he is dying for a piss.  His wife is asking if anyone has an “empty pop bottle”.

11:26James Middleton starts his reading, apparently safe in the knowledge that there are thousands of casting directors watching on TV.  He is asked to step down when he launches into a pre-prepared “You can’t handle the truth!” monologue

11:19 – Things go a little awry there when Kate is asked to say “For richer, for poorer”, but instead asks, “Poorer? Wait, what?”

11:17 – The microphones pick up a fart in the celebrity section, though no-one is owning up – but we have to say Trevor Brooking is looking very shifty.

11:12 – Watching on TV at home, Tony Blair has just told his neighbours he “couldn’t give less of a shit about that stupid wedding anyway.”

11:08 – Covering the wedding for Al Jazeera, Richard Keys has just told viewers he’d “definitely smash that” – That’s a ringing endorsement for Kate’s dress right there.

11:02 – OMG OMFG!!! IT’S A DRESS! SHE’S ONLY WEARING A BLOODY DRESS!!!

10:48 – The first glimpse of Kate Middleton, we see signs of lace, is it possible she’s wearing a white version of her famous black see-through number?

10:28William and Harry dive into a private room at Westminster Abbey to get stuck into the hip flasks they snuck in under their uniforms.  Harry goes for his eighth piss of the morning so far.

10:14Princes William and Harry are on their way to the Abbey, and it seems Harry has taken fashion inspiration from Colonel Gaddafi. And you lot thought he couldn’t top the Nazi uniform.

10:04 – Facebook reader Duncan Beasely tells us that Kate Middleton is an anagram of Naked Tit Model.  A clue to the dress perhaps?

10:00 – It’s all kicking off at Buckingham Palace. The Duchess of Kent is refusing to get in the minibus taking her to the Abbey unless she gets the back seat.  Apparently she told ‘everyone’ she wanted the back seat weeks ago.

09:36 – Oh that’s lovely, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson has turned up wearing her best nose, the one she saves for special occasions.

09:26 – There is a lull in the proceedings and CNN anchor Piers Morgan entertains the crowd by threatening to kill himself.  A hundred thousand people screaming ‘Do it!’ is truly a sight to behold.

09:06 – No-one is willing to leave their position by the fence on The Mall, no matter how ‘urgent’ their business is.  The whole place is starting to smell like a pension day Post Office queue.

08:47 – The Beckhams are frantically searching for the happy couple’s wedding list after they each thought the other was sorting out the wedding present.  It’s looking like ornamental ashtrays, as there’s not a lot left this late in the day.  Victoria is furious, but it’s very hard to tell just by looking at her.

08:30 – We are hearing rumours Will has been having second thoughts this morning, but witnesses tell us Prince Harry talked him round with a photo of that see-through dress Kate wore at a St Andrews fashion show.  The brothers high-fived and laughed after looking at it for several minutes.

08:25 – We have confirmation that Will and Kate will be the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge once they are married.  Cambridge? Really? We can only assume someone had bagsied Duke and Duchess of Basingstoke.

08:00Prince William is sat at the breakfast table tinkering with his vows after Harry dared him to sneak a knob-gag in there at some point.

07:45 – Our reporters talk to sixty year-old Reg Smith who’s been camped out on The Mall for two days in order to get a glimpse of the couple on their way to get married.  A clearly miserable Smith tells them, “I completely regret the decision.  What the hell was I thinking? I could be warm at home watching this in HD.”

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