Wednesday 27 April 2011 by Gary Stanton

Catastrophic online credit fraud just a glitch in the matrix, PlayStation users assured


Sony reminded Playstation users last night that the outside world has no objective reality and that all of the money would be back in their accounts within 112 working days.

As credit card information belonging to thousands of dorks became public property, Sony were quick to reassure players that it was nothing to worry about and was most likely because they had swallowed the red pill instead of the blue one.

The company, meanwhile, insists users should welcome this exciting new twist to their gaming experience and to see if they can activate Level 5 in which gamers attempt to purchase supermarket groceries with a credit card that doesn’t bloody work.

Kim Yamato, Head of Captive Entertainment for Sony said, “Level 5 requires considerable skill as the user must take care not to aggravate the girl on the checkout, but must maintain vigilance of those in the queue behind him using a series of high-powered assault rifles.”

“By pressing CTRL +ALT + G you can navigate your way out of trouble by requesting a store card.”

Playstation hacked

Dave “Neo” Watkins, of Bradford, who is up on an assault charge after successfully completing Level 5, said:

“Level 5 is a piece of piss although I didn’t have enough power left to evade the squad cars. Level 6 is where it really gets interesting. “

“In Level 6 you default on your mortgage payments because there’s no money left in your account.”

“The trick is to stop your wife clearing off with the bloke next door while defending your home from a series of angry bailiffs wielding baseball bats.”

“I had enough lives left to stab them between the eyes with a big kitchen knife .”

“I’m now on Level 7 – sitting in a remand centre trying to figure out the secret password to unlock the Mighty Gate of Risley and gain access to the outside world.”

“But it’s really hard as I am being repeatedly sodomised by Tasty Reg – that earns you five hundred points and a phonecard. Not to be sniffed at on this level.”

“The graphics are absolutely amazing and the pain is so lifelike.”

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