Wednesday 20 April 2011 by Gary Stanton

Lennon parcel bomb was posted before Christmas, admits Royal Mail


Viable parcel bombs which were sent to Celtic Manager Neil Lennon and two high-profile fans should have arrived months ago, admitted a shame-faced Royal Mail last night.

Sources claim the liquid-based devices, capable of significantly changing a person’s outlook, arrived in tasteful reindeer wrapping paper late last week.

Mr Lennon’s lawyer, Paul McBride QC, and former deputy presiding officer of the Scottish Parliament, Trish Godman, were named as the other two people who suffered tardy deliveries of potentially lethal explosives.

The first device, bearing a postmark of 13th December, had been gathering dust in a sorting office in East Dunbartonshire as staff sat around chatting about what they would do if they won the lottery, eventually agreeing that the money would best be spent on a bumper bag of heroin.

Last night, the Royal Mail sought to deflect criticism over their performance insisting that the heavy snow, which covers Scotland for most of the year, had taken them completely by surprise.

Lennon parcel bomb delivered late

A spokesperson for Royal Mail said, “That Mr Lennon received his parcel so late is down to operational failures on our behalf for which we can only apologise.”

“We have since adopted a number of measures to ensure any more of these amateurish home-made pipe bombs meet their targets promptly and with minimum fuss.”

“Is that a crack pipe I see there wee man? Och giz a go on that will yus.”

Police believe the devices originate from a frustrated splinter group of the main Hamilton Academicals supporter’s club, whose team last saw success in the 1934-35 season when they were Scottish Cup runners up.

Meanwhile Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond told us, “We will not tolerate these sort of criminally late deliveries in Scotland.”

“As an indication of the seriousness with which we view these developments the Cabinet sub-committee will meet next week. “

“Or as soon as we can lay our hands on a clean set of syringes.”

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