Tuesday 19 April 2011 by Gary Stanton

Ferdinand more comfortable in a 4-3-3 formation, insists stalker


Lush Man U defender Rio Ferdinand is better off in a 4-3-3 system, insisted his stalker last night, and he had better listen to her if he knows what’s good for him.

Official stalker Susanne Ibru, 38, twice disturbed the player and his wife as they slept in their heavily fortified mansion in the Cheshire village of Alderley Edge, prompting the judge to ask whether she is partially-sighted, or what.

Ibru is said to have repeatedly pressed the intercom and asked the striker if he was really happy carrying Wes Brown in a rigid 4-4-2 system.

Ibru, who yesterday conducted her own defence, told the court that Ferdinand only had eyes for her and that a twenty metre high perimeter, a piranha-filled moat, and three kilometres of rusty barbed wire would not be allowed to stand in the way of true love.

Ferdinand stalker, really

Ms Ibru said, “The jury will understand that Rio is just being shy and that the sentence ‘piss off and leave me and my family in peace’ is just his way of saying ‘play your cards right and I’ll sort you out with a season ticket’.”

Ibru claims the pair fell in love as she watched him take out the rubbish from a distance of two hundred metres, behind a dense hedge of Leylandii conifers.

“I knew it was love at first sight when our eyes met through those 10×50 binoculars, although I’ll admit on that first occasion I became distracted by a nearby chaffinch.”

“The second time was in a fourth round League Cup match against Norwich. He seemed much happier in the more flexible 4-3-3 system which allowed him occasional forays into midfield.”

“He’d just taken a throw-in near the halfway line when I made the decision to make his life a misery and set about terrorising his family.”

Ferdinand today turned down his daughter’s request for a pet rabbit for her birthday claiming that now probably wasn’t the right time and she’d be much better off with sixteen ferocious Rottweilers who very rarely sleep and make ideal pets for an excitable three year-old girl.

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