Tuesday 19 April 2011

Cowell to focus on berating American morons


Simon Cowell has admitted that he finds it much more fulfilling to spend time being unspeakably mean to mentally deficient Americans, than to their British counterparts.

The announcement that Cowell will be focussing on the US version of X Factor has led to questions about what exactly is wrong with good old British fame-hungry morons.

Cowell told reporters, “I love British morons, but there’s something quite special about making an American cry.  It’s not dissimilar to making a Geordie cry, but much, much sweeter.”

“I will still be in the background in the UK version, sending notes to the contestants like always – encouraging them to kill themselves, that sort of thing.”

“British morons will always have a special place in my heart, but there is an entire world of morons out there just waiting for me to explain to them why they are completely pathetic.”

Cowell to berate Americans, mostly

There is also significant speculation as to who will fill Cowell’s chest-high trousers on the UK version of the show.

A show insider said, “It’s a difficult role to fill, definitely.  We need someone will no small amount of charm, yet who can be incredibly evil in the blink of an eye. It wouldn’t hurt if they were kinda funny looking, too.”

“I don’t want to get people too excited, but we’re talking to Colonel Gaddafi’s people – though he’s unsure whether, even with all his years of despot experience, he can follow someone like Simon Cowell.”

“We remain hopeful a deal can be done.”

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