Friday 8 April 2011 by Malcolm Everall

Earth’s dwindling reserves of tat ‘at risk’ from Royal wedding


The world’s most precious remaining reserves of tat are at risk of disappearance as the Royal Wedding creates an unprecedented demand for crap, rubbish and old shit, according to ecologists.

Tat conservationists are calling for an immediate worldwide ban on the harvesting of raw tat in a bid to halt what has been dubbed a ‘global tatastrophe’.

Demand for teatowels, commemorative plates, mugs and novelty masks has surged since the announcement of the Royal betrothal, with British consumers and foreign visitors heedless of warnings to reduce their consumption of lame crud in the face of worldwide shortage.

Secondary markets in crappy bunting, paper plates and pineapple cubes on sticks are also expected to spike in coming weeks.

“We are right on the edge of disaster here,” warns Paul Elliott, director of conservation group TatWatch.

“We are looking at a scenario where, in a couple of years, the tat is all gone. While Britain gorges itself on pull-out colour supplements and novelty key-rings, children in the developing world face a future without snow shakers, commemorative toilet seats or limited-edition figurines.”

“We are sleepwalking into a world without tat.”

Royal Wedding Tat Shortage

Commodities markets have seen a series of sharp rises in the price of tat futures in recent months, as manufacturers in India, China and Vietnam placed their crap factories into overdrive.

Last night the Shanghai Tat Exchange registered a new high for April-delivered tat, as dealers fought to secure the last supplies in advance of the wedding.

But in spite of rising prices, and the warnings of environmental pressure groups, demand continues to rise.

“See them mugs at the front there? Eight quid I’m getting for them,” says crap vendor Martin Williams from his stall near the London Eye. “Can’t get enough of them. And they’re total rubbish!”

“Get yer souvenir Royal Wedding condoms. Only a fiver,” he added.

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