Thursday 31 March 2011 by Gary Stanton

Clarkson’s fence to form centrepiece of CND lesbian eco-sculpture


Journalist and presenter Jeremy Clarkson is said to be apoplectic on discovering his fence is to be recycled as part of a massive sculpture representing liberal values such as fair play, tolerance and no-holds barred sapphic love.

A CND commune near Clarkson’s ‘hometown’ of Port Erin claimed responsibility for last night’s attack during which Clarkson’s fence and gate posts were uprooted from a bit of land which the group claims, “belongs to us all at some basic primal level.”

The sculpture, which will be fifty metres high and visible from Clarkson’s cliff-top mansion, will be funded in part by generous subsidies from the EU and is in recognition of a massacre of lesbians carried out by the Isle of Man authorities in 2007.

Planks from the fence will be used to construct a huge touchy-feely monument to a range of local and global issues such as bus passes for the transgendered and a lack of Polish-speaking social workers in Douglas.

At its apex is a crude symbol to unilateral disarmament consisting of two female figures rejecting the doctrine of Mutually Assured Destruction by savagely punching a cock that looks a bit like a missile, while a third figure defecates on a Mercedes.

Jeremy Clarkson’s fence

In a move which is likely to further enrage the Top Gear presenter, the statue has been given the thumbs up by the Tynwald.

The island’s tiny parliament has adopted an increasingly liberal stance on many issues since it was forced to legally recognise the existence of Chumbawamba in 1997.

But Clarkson, who erected the fence so that his children didn’t have to watch same-sex hippies smoking marijuana on a public right of way, is planning to appeal against the sculpture.

“It’s political correctness gone mad,” he told us.

Moaning that the statue was plainly anti-motorist, Clarkson continued, “Any fifty metre wooden representation of two car-hating women going at it hammer and tongs in full view of my living room is bound to come with Health & Safety issues.”

“I wouldn’t mind but the really fit one has a severe case of woodworm, and that fist could take someone’s eye out.”

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