Gadget fan Steven Richards today celebrated being the first person in the UK to get his hands on the near-identical-to-previous-version iPad 2 by becoming the first person in the queue for the iPhone 5.
43-year-old Richards was overcome with emotion on receiving the device from a smiling store employee, whose haircut probably cost more than the sliver of Chinese-made plastic Richards grabbed from his hands like an overexcited fat child looking for candy.
After composing himself briefly, he told reporters, “It’s the device I’ve always dreamed of, ever since I was an overexcited fat child!”
“I have every Apple product ever made,” he added, his sickly pallid face almost looking human for a moment. “I can’t wait to play around with this!”
When asked what he was most looking forward to about the new hype-tablet, he said, “Video calling, without a doubt! Look, there’s a camera on the front and the back too!”
“The front and the back, the front and the back, one hundred-and-seventy-three, one hundred-and-seventy-three, Steven Richards is an excellent driver, an excellent driver, the front and the back.”
iPad 2 launched today
Richards is well-known amongst the golf sale sign holders, insane homeless people and exotic prostitutes who frequent London’s Regent Street.
A distinctive figure in his “I ‘Heart’ ‘Apple’” baseball cap and urine-drenched sleeping bag, he has become something of a celebrity.
“People often stop and ask me what I’m doing,” he said. “They can’t believe it when I explain, even though most of them walk away long before I’ve finished talking.”
“And I’m great friends with an old Scottish man called Jesus who visits me every other night and tells me to close my eyes as it’s what God wants.”
Pausing briefly to demonstrate his skill at tedious physics-based puzzler Angry Birds with a deft swipe of his nimble fingers, Richards left the store and immediately took his place back on the pavement outside.
“Only three months to go!” he shouted, before once again demonstrating his dexterity as he masturbated enthusiastically over a grainy concept photograph of the iPhone 5.