Thursday 24 March 2011 by Gary Stanton

Clarke to face questions over Budget Day ‘nocturnal emission’


Fears were growing last night that Justice Secretary Ken Clarke suffered a wet dream as George Osborne announced another ten pence on a packet of fags.

Punters who bet money on him falling asleep were encouraged when Clarke turned up in the Commons chamber complete with a Spiderman duvet, an alarm clock and a copy of the Da Vinci Code.

And all bets were off when, during an announcement on Corporation Tax , Clarke was seen to kick off his Hush Puppies and swallow two tablets from a packet of Herbal Nytol .

As Osborne launched into some shit about Working Families Tax Credits, MPs became distracted as a somnolent Clarke put his arm around Teresa May and nuzzled her cheek .

Footage shows May repeatedly trying to fend the Justice Secretary off but Clarke is seen to dribble on her lapels while mumbling something about ”a lovely little bistro in Weybridge”.

The emission, when it came, was met with jeers from the Opposition Bench.

Ken Clarke asleep during budget

Tory HQ last night tried to downplay suggestions that May spent a full twenty minutes attempting to remove Clarke’s pearly cargo from her trouser suit using a packet of wet wipes.

A Downing Steet announcement said, “Ken often carries a bottle of Yakult around with him in an effort to maintain optimum levels of so-called ‘good’ bacteria. We believe the cap may have come off.”

Seasoned gambler Derek Stanley, from Orpington in Kent, was richer to the tune of three hundred grand after betting Clarke or another member of the cabinet would ejaculate in their pants either involuntarily or as a result of an announcement to slash Child Benefit.

A spokesman for Ladbrokes said, “Although we’re awaiting the results of a full laboratory analysis on the trouser suit, we will surely honour the bet as you can clearly see the moment when Clarke lurches forward and delivers his milky payload.”

Meanwhile, Eazy Cleen, a Dry Cleaning business in Westminster welcomed the two percent reduction in Corporation Tax and confirmed May had booked an appointment.

Head Machine Operative, Danny Weston, said, “Tory DNA is a notorious bugger to shift.”

A red-faced Home Secretary, Teresa May, surprised colleagues this morning by turning up for work in a T-shirt and jeans.

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