Tuesday 22 March 2011 Keith D Edinburgh

Christians use Bible to predict end of statisticians


After several weeks of painstaking study, UK Christian Bible decoders have emerged with research which they say disproves statistics once and for all.

Head of the group, 76-year-old Margery Atkins, told us, “A cursory glance through the book of Deuteronomy reveals nothing untoward. Yet, if several words are selected and their letters moved around slightly, a startling picture begins to emerge.”

Atkins and her team claim that the first five books of the Old Testament contain a hidden message from God; or possibly from Moses.

It predicts a point in the near future, shortly after this year’s census, where statisticians cause a shift in the viewpoint of several previously secular countries due to constant over-analysis of mundane facts about British society published in the media.

Religion predicts end of statistics

Atkins went on to read passages of the recently uncovered Bible message, explaining their relevance for modern statistical analysis.

“Speak not of the rise of the national average house price and the richness of religious diversity,” the message is quoted as reading, “as such things lead to damnation.”

“Verily as well,” she continued in a serious tone, “everything which Brian Cox says about how the world started is rubbish, so watch Songs of Praise on Sundays instead of that Wonders of the Universe.”

Atkins also claims the Gospel According To Luke contains a similar, yet chillingly ironic warning about the forthcoming census.

“Anyone who puts down ‘Jedi’ as their religion again will spend all eternity being poked in the genitals by the Devil,” she read, before returning to an emergency summit on jam shortages for next week’s church fête.

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