Monday 21 March 2011

John Terry’s genitals return to role as England’s chief motivator


England Manager Fabio Capello has confirmed that John Terry’s genitals will once again assume their role as chief motivator for the England squad.

After almost a year in the wilderness Capello has turned to Terry’s genitals to reprise their role in leading out the team in the upcoming crunch qualifier against Wales.

Football corresponded Mike Williams told us, “You have to remember that John Terry’s genitals can inspire and intimidate in equal measure, and that’s a quality we’ve missed in their absence.”

“Sure, they’ve been there all along, and will have had an influence in the dressing room, definitely, but nothing like they do when they’re officially sanctioned by the management.”

“Nothing makes a player perform like the threat of a hosing down from John Terry’s genitals.”

“And if you’re an opposition player it’s very difficult to concentrate on the game when your mind is wondering what John Terry’s genitals are going to do next. It’s your natural instinct to keep checking where they are at all times.”

“They’re a powerful weapon, and I’m delighted to see Capello using them to their fullest extent.”

John Terry England captain

The latest squad includes a number of younger players, and also a first call-up for Wolverhampton Wanderer’s Matt Jarvis, with many experts prediction that John Terry’s genitals will help the younger players rise to the occasion.

Former England captain Alan Shearer told reporters, “A lot of the younger players look up to John Terry’s genitals, and I know that many of them would be happy if their own genitals go on to achieve just half of what John Terry’s genitals have achieved.”

“They have the sort of experience you just can’t buy, and a lot of the young players can certainly benefit from that.”

“That said, I imagine the partners dinner will see a lot the players going stag for the evening.”

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