Wednesday 9 March 2011 by Spacey

Phil Collins to receive award for most popular retirement


British singer and drummer Phil Collins is to be recognised for services to music after the public voted in their droves to crown him winner of The Most Popular Decision to Retire Award.

The award, which was specially invented for the former Genesis member, will be delivered to Collins, attached to a brick, through the front window of a house paid for by elevator music which is played continuously around the world.

“This has to be one the most eagerly anticipated retirements ever,” revealed one excited music fan.

“We’ve heard rumours that something like this might happen since about 1988, when the film Buster made it look like he’d moved on to annoying cinema-goers instead of us, but it now looks like us music fans are finally going to get our wish!”

Phil Collins to retire from music

Speaking via his website, Collins revealed “I wanted to do something that would appeal to everyone, fans and critics alike, and I feel that completely ceasing all musical activity will increase my popularity ten-fold.”

No firm date has been set for the retirement, but Collins has offered the reassurance that his musical equipment will be placed in a skip, set alight and pushed over the edge of a very high mountain.

He is also setting up a competition in which one lucky member of the public will win the opportunity to shove his drumsticks up his arse.

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