Tuesday 8 March 2011

Tesco launches Value Dating website


In response to Asda’s new online dating website, Tesco has responded by launching its own no-frills opportunity for those shoppers looking to copulate on a budget.

Asda’s service will seek to match couples on the basis of their shopping habits, whereas Tesco’s Value Dating site will strip back the online dating experience by merely asking if you’re willing to have sex.

A Tesco spokesperson told us, “We’ve taken out all the unnecessary stuff requiring you to give an entirely fictional representation of your personality, and boiled it down to the essential issue at hand – Are you willing to have sex with someone you met on the Internet?”

“We don’t think matching couples based on shopping habits is a good idea, as I’m sure anyone who has ever bought Anusol would agree.”

“We thought about including photographs, but ultimately decided that if you’re the sort of person using a supermarket value dating service to meet someone, the chances are that you’re not that bothered about what they look like.”

“The response has been excellent, and I can safely say the answer to the question is ‘yes’ – the overwhelming majority of our users want to have sex with someone off of the Internet.”

Asda Dating Website

Early users of the site have given the service a cautious welcome, claiming it provides an experience familiar to anyone who uses other Tesco Value products.

Single woman Jane Michaels tried the service before telling us, “Meeting someone on there is a bit like the Tesco Value Cheesecake – it seems nice enough when you’re consuming it, but you feel cheap and pretty sick by the time you’re finished with it.”

Single man Dave Williams told us, “I met someone on the site, and true to the Value Range ethos she was packaged really poorly, but ultimately I suppose she was anatomically pretty similar to what I’d meet on more expensive dating websites.”

“I suppose you get what you pay for.”

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