Friday 4 March 2011 by Gary Stanton

Mazda 6 spider fears result in ‘fanny magnet’ downgrade


Single Mazda 6 drivers are facing an uncertain sexual future after arachnophobic females declared they would rather catch the bus than go anywhere near the potentially spider-ridden saloon.

The Japanese carmaker has announced it is recalling 65,000 cars in North and Central America after yellow sac spiders found in a vent line, appeared hell-bent on making a move towards the glove compartment.

Engineers desperately trying to justify their extravagant salaries insisted the presence of spiders could increase pressure in the fuel tank leading to cracks and the possibility of small fires.

Mazda maintain they will accept all vehicles returned to them, save for those where the owner has added go-faster stripes, a personalised number plate which reads 5teve and where the radio has been tuned to Smooth FM.

A spokesperson added, “Unfortunately, for now we must down-grade the Mazda 6’s status from fanny-magnet to vagina-repellent.”

Mazda 6 recall

Last night men across America reported a series of ruined dates after spiders hampered their feeble attempts to get to first base.

High School Jock, Adam Wyner, was making out with his date in the luxurious rear seats of his Mazda 6 only to have his moment of passion spoiled when Prom Queen, Lucetta Dora, noticed a small but thriving colony of yellow sacs had set up home right where she was trying to place her ankles.

Dora said, “I thought they were kinda cute at first but then I noticed one of the more ambitious ones had begun to construct a web around Adam’s scrotum, using his perineum as an anchor point. I mean, like, major gross out or what?”

“Sexually I’m quite open-minded and I’ll certainly try most things, at least if you believe some of the graffiti that’s written in the locker room, but you have to draw the line somewhere. And for me the Mazda 6 is that line.”

And Richard Crickmar, of Nashvile, who bought his 33 year-old son Kyle a Mazda 6 in the hope that he’d eventually leave home and shack up with someone said:

“He’s been going on about how he’s a dead cert for a heavy duty minge-fest any day now and I really don’t know how I’m going to break it to him. It’s heartbreaking.”

“And to think I said no to a cracking deal on a T-reg Peugot 306 ”

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