Wednesday 2 March 2011 by Gary Stanton

Cannabis use raises psychosis risk, claim Illuminati-backed psychedelic elephants


Using cannabis as a teenager or young adult increases the risk of psychosis according to the herd of psychedelic elephants that use your wardrobe as an HQ.

The elephants claim the study, which they published in the British Medical Journal who are also in on it, involved tracking 1900 people over a period of 10 years as they moved from bedroom to sofa to fridge and then back to the sofa.

The research was led by Professor Jim Van Os from Maastricht University and his friends in the Knights Templar, but if you rearrange the letters of his name it spells MJ So Vain which may or may not be significant.

Jasmine Orinoco , leader of the elephants, said, “Funding for the project came from generous members of the Illuminati who are a bit flush at the moment what with running the world’s banks, including Barclays.”

“They’re also the ones who put that pyramid with the strange eye on the dollar bill but I can’t tell you much more than that right now except it’s something to do with opening up your chakras.”

Cannabis causes psychosis

Orinoco, who just wouldn’t bloody shut up once he got started, went on:

“MJ or Michael Jackson knew too much that’s why he had to be silenced. And a friend of mine who worked on the set of the Thriller Video reckons they used real zombies which they smuggled in from Haiti.”

Professor Van Os, meanwhile, sought to play down his definite links with the Knights Templar, but did admit to receiving cash from the Illuminati, insisting they’re the ones who persuaded NASA to fake the Moon landings and are also to blame for the starter packs from Lloyds TSB being a bit shit.

He also said that stuff about cannabis making you more creative is probably a load of bollocks but it can help with your sciatica.

He added, “I’m just nipping out for a minute. Do you want another packet of Wagon Wheels ?”

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