Friday 25 February 2011 by Malcolm Everall

Hot Swedish babes celebrate return of Julian Assange


The horny bitches of Sweden were celebrating  last night as a British court agreed to return internet transparency campaigner and top cockmaster Julian Assange to face charges of being too goddamned sexy.

Assange, who has always modestly denied accusations than he is a rampant swordsman who has seen more pussy than the inside of a Coventry dustbin, is due to fly back to his native Scandinavia after British judges declared him ‘too hot to handle’.

And the news has left the buxom blondes of Sweden panting for the shuddering embrace of his lithe, muscular body.

“Oh Julian baby, take me baby, take me now,” moaned one red-hot looker in Stockholm.

“You’re such a bad bad boy, with your international crusade for the freedom of information and the rolling back of undemocratic rules of secrecy. And your big hard cock,’ she added.

Assange is due to be tried under Swedish law for being excessively hot, a charge which, if it went to court, would require the construction of a supercooled witness-box and the appointment of a jury of eunuchs and corpses to prevent the defendant’s musky, dominating maleness from swaying the verdict.

Julian Assange extradited

Prosecutors had hoped that the anti-secrecy campaigner would be persuaded to plead guilty to a lesser charge of being unbelievably sexy without due care and attention, avoiding the need for a jolting, sweat-drenched climax in court.

But it is now understood that Assange is planning to assert his innocence and represent himself from the dock, stripped to the waist and with smouldering eyes glaring defiance like a stag.

His defence is expected to focus on the oppressive global conspiracy of silence on the part of corporations, governments and unelected administrators, and the rippling muscles of his taut, heaving flanks.

Crowds have already started to gather at the country’s Arlanda airport, clad only in revealing negligees and sheer stay-up stockings despite plunging overnight temperatures.

And authorities planning for the extradition of Assange to Sweden have begun to fear that his arrival will spark a ripe, full-breasted stampede resulting in steamy, explicit romps.

“This is a very bad situation,” explains Kristian Lillestrom, the country’s Justice Minister.

“Assange is one hot guy, and the chicks over here will kill to get next to him, you know what I mean?”

“I mean, I am a guy, but shit, I’d let him ball me too if he wanted.”

“Don’t print that.”

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