Thursday 17 February 2011 by Formelia Albethine

Osborne warns solar flare could impact excuses for next quarter’s GDP figures


George Osborne has warned the huge solar flare released by the Sun presents him with exactly the same kind of nonsensical excuse that he used when blaming the country’s first steps towards double-dip recession on last year’s cold snap.

The Chancellor believes the so-called X-flare, the most uneconomic type emitted by the Earth’s star, is going to do for public services what heroin does for life expectancy and was prepared to blame likely poor economic performance solely on the reckless act of the unregulated celestial body.

He told reporters, “Not only is there a danger this solar flare could knock out communications worldwide, much more worryingly, it could be just the kind of act of God that saves my over-privileged bacon like when it snowed so expensively last year.”

“Let’s face it, if the general public were foolish enough to lap up that load of old guff then they are going to be more than obliging when we tell them that this unfortunate event is going to be closing more schools than the snow ever could.”

“It’s the kind of natural disaster that will inevitably lead to a prolonged bout of Sun Affected Deficit Disorder (SADD).”

Large solar X-flare

Astronomer Sir Patrick Moore said he was far more concerned at the impact the extra terrestrial phenomena would have on his ability to use his full quota of free minutes that accompanies his mobile phone contract.

“Sod the economy, what about my roaming capability?”

“The X-flare could obliterate all mobile phone signals in the UK, leaving 90% of the population’s mobile users with levels of services normally experienced only by the 10% who are with T-Mobile.”

“It’s a horrifying thought.”

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