Friday 11 February 2011

CRB checks dropped as children finally declared more dangerous than carers


The government has backed down over criminal background checks for those who work with children, after finally accepting that the children themselves are the most dangerous part of the ‘carer’ equation.

The move comes as the latest child behavioural survey showed that most children would gladly slit your throat for a quick go on a Nerf N-Strike toy gun.

A government spokesperson said, “CRB checks make sense when those providing the care are potentially more dangerous than those they are to look after.”

“But that hasn’t been the case in this country since about 1985, so to be honest it’s a complete waste of money.”

“If anything we should be spending this money on training programmes to ensure our carers know how to deal with an extremely hostile and heavily-armed child.”

“These people don’t deserve invasive checks on their private lives, they deserve medals of bravery – and anyone who disagrees clearly has no experience of a modern British child.”

Child worker checks reduced

The government admitted they might be forced into a rethink should figures show that too many carers were being stabbed, or worse, by the children they’re working with – but claimed this was unlikely.

“I don’t think it will come to that, today’s children are extremely good at disposing of such evidence,” said the spokesperson.

We sought the opinions of those children most affected by the changes to the criminal checks on child workers, with many not caring what happened with the rules.

“Get outta ma face or I will cut you,” concluded seven year-old Jamie Williams.

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