Tuesday 8 February 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

iPhone confession app to allow clergy more time with their altar boys


The Catholic Church has approved an iPhone digital confession app that will clear the schedule of errant priests allowing them more time to develop their portfolio of exploitable young boys.

The new app will cost £1.19 and will aid priests by encouraging worshippers to confess their sins to a digital God who is exactly as real as his analogue predecessor.

The Vatican approved the app saying it was unrealistic to expect priests to be able to commit a vast chunk of their diary to absolving the diocese of sins when they were busy scouring vulnerable communities for fresh meat.

The Pope was delighted with the plans, claiming that having given the digital Jesus his approval, he’s now pretty sure millions will blindly agree it’s a good idea based on nothing more than his say-so.

Regular church attendee Sheila Williams told us, “I do find it strange that the Church can adapt so quickly to the ways of the modern world when it comes to making money, but finds it difficult when it comes to rights for gays and the use of condoms – but hey, if the Pope says it’s good, then I’ll buy it!”

Vatican approve Confession iPhone app

The Pontiff went on to outline plans to offer a ‘top ten’ chart of the most forgiven sins which will allow worshippers to attune their moral compass to the sins that are likely to raise the most cash for the Church.

A Vatican spokesperson explained, “Aled Jones will be presenting a top ten run down of the most forgiven sins, and we hope this will encourage others to succumb to their weakness, followed by another moment of weakness by downloading the app.”

“This app is only the start, eventually we will offer a bespoke tailoring for every sin available, especially for those who display the touch of a papist.”

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