Monday 7 February 2011 by Ivor Courtcase

EDL’s tedious 0-0 draw against Militant Islamists shown last on Match of the Day


Brief highlights of Saturday’s hotly anticipated clash in Luton between the English Defence League and Militant Islamists were this weekend consigned to the arse-end of Match of the Day, as programme editors struggled to find any exciting footage of the event.

What should have been a tasty local derby rife with broken legs, cracked skulls and red cards, fizzled out into a turgid goalless affair stifled by petty-minded refereeing and parking a bus in front of either goal.

In marked contrast to previous bloody and lawless encounters there were only seven bookings, mainly for possession of handbags at six o’clock.

EDL spokesman Wayne Curwen-Carr told us, “With hindsight, I’m glad we didn’t rob them in injury time, as I wasn’t particularly looking forward to having my feet chopped off in a Nuneaton Sharia court.”

“That said, Alan Hansen has yet to taunt us by calling us the English Sloppy Defence League, so we must be doing something right.”

EDL Luton protests

For the Islamists, the usual flat back four of righteous jihadists shouting ‘Allahu Akhbar!’ were conspicuous by their absence.

“We just didn’t turn up on the day,” said an Islamist spokesman.

“We simply fielded our usual second-string team of layabout anarchists and dope-smoking moonbats from the UAF to do our dirty work for us.”

“Meanwhile we continue our squad-strengthening mission with regular scouting trips to the mountains of northern Pakistan in preparation for the mother of all Cup Finals.”

“That’ll take a couple of seasons of squad rebuilding, obviously,” he added.

Match referee Howard Webb explained, “I aimed to keep the game flowing by putting both teams in solitary confinement half a mile apart from each other, ringed by thousands of tooled-up bastard coppers from twenty-seven constabularies.”

“And I think we can safely say that, at the end of the day, innocuous slogan-chanting from a safe distance in a shitty ghost town between two ideologically opposed factions, was the winner.”

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