Friday 4 February 2011 by Spacey

UK triumphs to secure anti-immigrant league title


Britain has held off stiff competition from several other countries to secure the anti-immigrant league title, leading to calls for an open top bus parade across the country by our most irrationally fearful nutjobs.

There were concerns that title would be out of the UK’s grasp when it was revealed that nearly three quarters thought the government should allow more foreign doctors and nurses into the UK.

But the nation’s class shone through when a quarter of the 1000 strong UK squad revealed they did not think even legal migrants should be allowed to access the NHS.

A clearly terrified 23% of Brits thought immigration was the country’s biggest problem, an impressive 13% more than their nearest rival in a league that consisted of the United States, Canada, the UK, France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands and Spain.

“We were really up against it,” said one jubilant nervous wreck. “We’ve shown great character to come out on top, despite five of the other nations having a greater proportion of foreign nationals in their populations than we do.”

Britain tops Immigration Anxiety table

The British also showed their dominance when it came to the likelihood of saying that immigrants take jobs from native-born workers.

“The ones that come here and don’t work are spongers and the ones that come here and do work are nicking our jobs,” revealed a red-faced woman clutching her chest.

The manager of the national anxiety team revealed that the title is nothing less than the squad deserved, and that “no stone was left unturned” in the preparation.

“We took the squad to the filming of an episode of Top Gear.”

“After that there was only one winner.”

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