Patients too fat to be taken to hospital in ambulances are being hailed by the government as the future of the NHS, as they provide the perfect excuse for having their expensive emergency health care needs completely ignored, according to the Minister for Health.
Paramedics have reported a huge increase in call outs to patients whose girth is only matched by the number of health complaints they have, with modern ambulances increasingly unable cope with people as wide as they are tall.
Health Minister Simon Burns said he welcomed with open arms obese people being left at home to struggle on helplessly, and encouraged more of the population to offer such a candid sacrifice in the hope of letting the NHS survive.
Burns told reporters, “I must say I am really encouraged at the news. Just when it seemed we had run out of things to cut, fat people go and put themselves in the firing line by highlighting their own fallibility at a most opportune time.”
“Ignoring fat people could save us billions in the coming years, and I can only thank them for showing the rest of the country just how expensive they are to treat. It makes my job a lot easier, I have to say.”
Ambulances not big enough for fat people
The minister said new rules would mean anyone too big to get to hospital in a reinforced people carrier would have to make their own way to hospital, or miss out on treatment completely.
Burns continued, “Is that headache really going to seem so urgent when you know you’ve got to get to hospital by yourself? Is that knife in your chest really enough of an emergency to lug your enormous bulk to the nearest A&E department? You know there’s no cake in the hospital, right?”
“I have a dream, a dream where fat people die at home, and the three or four nurses we still employ can sit around looking at magazines before treating the odd person still slim enough to deserve treatment.”
“So I would actively encourage citizens to eat more fatty food, finish of that pack of biscuits, and to not exercise anything other than your drinking arm – because by becoming fat enough that we can legitimately ignore your medical plight you’re doing the NHS, and its extremely limited resources, a really big favour.”