Thursday 3 February 2011

Gary Neville insists retirement won’t affect his ability to be a prick


After Manchester United’s Gary Neville announced his retirement from football, a spokesperson for the player has moved quickly to dispel rumours that he will also stop being an annoying prick.

In a career that earned him every major club honour available, 35 year-old Neville also provided the most unlikeable face in the Premier League for almost twenty years.

Football writer Ed Williams told us, “The game is losing a massive prick, and the way the modern game is going I only think we’ll realise just how much of a prick he is until he’s gone.”

Neville wrote on his website, “I’d like to thank the small proportion of football fans who don’t spit at the mere mention of my name, and look forward to many years of being desperately unpleasant to people outside of the football community.”

“I’m also looking forward to spending more time with my moustache, which is coming along very nicely thank you.”

Liverpool fan Jamie McCairns added, “How is it that someone who is retiring can still be incapable of growing a proper moustache?”

“The only retired person I know that still sports a moustache as unconvincing as his is my Aunt Doris.  No, in fact hers is a bit better.”

Gary Neville retires

England fans have mixed emotions at the news, with one telling us, “He’s the only player I’ve seen representing my country that I actively wanted to see lose – that’s how big a prick he is.”

“First Robbie Savage, now Gary Neville – this is terrible news for anyone who likes spending forty quid to deliver ninety minutes of abuse to a millionaire who literally couldn’t give less of a shit what we thought of them.”

The world is Neville’s oyster according to some, with Ed Williams explaining, “There are any number of avenues open to a prick like Gary Neville – he could become a manager, an Andy Gray, or even go into politics, he really is that good at winding people up.”

“Just because he’s retired doesn’t mean he’ll change. You have to try and separate Gary Neville the footballer, from Gary Neville the man – and try to remember that the prick has always been the man.”

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