Thursday 3 February 2011 by Steve Evans

Fashionpolice.uk website goes down after millions attempt access


New government website fashionpolice.uk has proven to be a huge success with the British public, causing it to crash due to incredibly high demand from people wanting to know how badly dressed their neighbours are.

The site allowed users to enter the postcode or name of a town, and will let them see where the most significant fashion crimes are being perpetrated.

Stores such as Primark, Argos and New look have such dense clusters of fashion crimes orbiting them, that the page appears to be an entirely blank black page.

A government spokesperson said, “People like to know which of their neighbours has been robbed, obviously – but they’re much more interested in knowing which of them is wearing last seasons jacket, how many sizes too small it is, and just how ridiculous they look.”

Professor Tinsley o’Whatthehell, head of Fashion Studies at the University of Wolverhampton has studied fashion crime for many years.

“It’s all down to education. How about actually looking at yourself in a mirror before heading into Primark and deciding you’re a size 8?”

“So many people get this wrong and end up wearing the article with a mix of misplaced pride, unfocused anger and poor perception of body size. Which normally results in them resembling a swamp donkey rolled in glitter.”

Fashionpolice.uk goes live

Other figures available through the website show fashion crime levels rose in stores such as Next and H&M in mid December and January, but analysts put this down to seasonal use of Christmas vouchers and pre-loaded Titanium credit cards bought from Cash Converters.

Professor o’Whatthehell said, “We’re not trying to stop people dressing freely, just to try and keep them within the confines of well-established fashion laws.”

“So just remember, when you put on black leggings that are stretched so thinly they become transparent, you look appalling. And we aren’t blind. And never, ever, bend over.”

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